The Girl, the Island, and the Hero
by DragonSoulH
Summary: August Garcia is not the kindest soul on the planet; then one day she happens across a strange site that lets her order Hetalia Units and she finds her life turned upside down by their shenanigans. But she slowly realizes that those Units are helping her to discover the humanity she never knew she had. First person POV. Rated M for language and future adult situations.
1. Chapter 1: The Worst and the Best

**Rated M for language**

 **[A/N: I stumbled on old unit manuals a few weeks ago and this story was inspired. The whole unit manual idea reminds me of a manga called Absolute Boyfriend. I recommend it if you haven't already read it! I do not own Hetalia or the unit manuals (though I did make some changes for the story).]**

Chapter 1: The Worst and the Best

"Furious. I. Am. FURIOUS!"

My rage knew no bounds as I stomped back and forth in the living room of my tiny apartment. The painted walls - their color was supposed to be soothing - weren't helping my temper this time. And despite the thick carpeting, I was positive that my downstairs neighbor was getting an earful of my rage dump. It wouldn't be the first time.

But screw everybody, I was furious and that gave me the right to screech at the top of my lungs!

"Those motherf*ckers! I can't believe they would do this to me!" I looked at my belongings and was tempted to give in to one of my destructive rages, but I reconsidered quickly. After all, I like my stuff.

This was all my family's fault! Partly my parents but mostly my brother. The little drama-queen was always having some issue or other; half the time he was just imagining it, and the rest of the time he was all worked up over something stupid. It was always, "Oh, my boyfriend broke up with me," or "James said something mean!" Always stupid.

Finally I couldn't stand my bubbling fury anymore so I stomped over to my couch and grabbed up my Mac. Fanfiction would cheer me up.

Tap, tap-tap, tap. Before long I was reading one of my favorites and the acidic feeling in my gut was starting to diminish. Hetalia fics were better than any anger management program out there. And I, August Garcia, certainly could use one.

Then a banner ad caught my attention. At first I didn't understand what I was seeing; the words were all familiar but they were put together in a strange order.

 _ **Limited Time Offer! Hetalia Units version 3.0 - Now they're even better! Order soon!**_

I hovered my mouse over the ad while I considered. I thought I remembered hearing internet "whispers" about anime "units" but it'd been years and I was drawing a blank. What was a unit?

Eh, what the hell. I clicked the ad - fanfiction could wait.

Suddenly all my internet windows closed and I was brought back to my desktop. Thoughts of a virus ran through my mind, but before I could regret clicking the banner a new internet window popped up. Lime green - or maybe I should say mint green - script was scrawled across the top of the page. It read 'Flying Mint Bunny Inc.' and Flying Mint Bunny himself was seated in the center holding a sign to enter the shop. That was all I needed to see to keep going and I clicked the sign to enter.

The screen refreshed and a numbered list appeared. I leaned in to read it.

 **1\. All purchases subject to secrecy clause. Read it here.**

 **2\. All units subject to comprehensive manufacturer's warranty on hardware and software.**

 **3\. Must be 18 or older to order from this site!**

Well, none of those were any problem for me. I knew how to keep my trap shut and I had just turned 21 today.

Remembering that brought back my anger and I clicked the "NEXT" button a little harder than necessary. The screen refreshed again and now read "Flying Mint Bunny Inc. presents The Unit Shop"; below that was the usual sales pitch text and below that was FMB again saying "Let's get started!"

I know it's the company name but they really gotta ease up on the FMB references. I clicked on the adorable rabbit and a new window opened.

"Congratulations!" I read. "You're our one billionth customer! Order one unit and get a second free!"

Well, hey now. Happy birthday to August.

There was a link below the announcement that caught my interest. It said "Click here to view our unit pairs." I clicked, anticipating that I would see pairs like GerIta, FrUK, and USUK.

I wasn't disappointed but apparently the pair shop was more extensive than I expected. There were several subgroups to choose from: Friends, Enemies, Lovers, Frienemies, Siblings, Rivals, and so on. It was hard to know where to begin.

Randomly I clicked on a category and clicked on a pair of units. Really, any two Hetalia characters would be fine by me - there were some I liked better than others but they were all equally nutty.

And speaking of nutty… it turned out I had chosen America and Britain from the Rivals category. Some alternative options for those two were displayed: from Enemies, a haggard younger America and a red-coated Britain; from Siblings, a young Britain and a tiny chibi version of America; from Friends, Britain and America looked the same as the anime except in modern clothes. But overall I was satisfied and I clicked the "NEXT" button again.

It brought me to a page titled "Accessories". Initially sorted by popularity, there was a list of items that went along with the two units I had chosen. The top two were unsurprising: Flying Mint Bunny and Tony the Alien. Popular accessories for Britain also included magic books and chalk, a unicorn (I wasn't sure I believed that one), and a fancy set of tea china. America's most popular accessories were an unlimited McDonald's giftcard, three pairs of superhero pajamas, and a suit in the pattern of the American flag.

I picked the McDonald's giftcard straightaway - with the way America ate in the anime, I would need it. But I steered far clear of the magic books - I didn't need to give Britain any ammo if he got into one of his moods. So I chose the tea set for him. I also ordered them both a few sets of regular clothes. And at the very end I gave in and picked out Flying Mint Bunny, more for myself than for Britain. From there I proceeded to the checkout.

My eyes bugged out when I saw the final price. Even just one of these things was worth a kidney! But that was why I had memorized my mom's credit card number. Consider it a makeup present for forgetting my big day.

The checkout went smoothly, and at the very end Flying Mint Bunny popped up again.

"Thank you for your purchase! Your order should arrive in 7 to 10 days! Enjoy~!"


	2. Chapter 2: Special Delivery!

Chapter 2: Special Delivery~!

A week went by and I actually forgot all about the units. Working at an ad agency isn't exactly restful and my romantic life had taken a sour turn too. On top of all that, the everyday humdrum activities of life continued on. In fact, I was out grocery shopping when the units were delivered to the apartment.

I was frazzled - traffic had been worse than usual - and trying to carry like a thousand bags of groceries up to my apartment wasn't helping my mood. Naturally I expressed this frustration by making loads of noise as I rode the elevator.

"Goddamn Prius, slower than a one-legged turtle in winter…" I grumbled as I stared at the floor indicator. Damn Toyota Prius cars were the bane of my existence, driving 20 miles per hour whenever I had someplace to be.

Then the floor indicator blinked to 8 and with a ding the heavy doors opened. I squeezed out and came into my home hallway, automatically turning left to get to my apartment. But what I saw sitting there brought me up short.

Two freakin' enormous boxes were sitting in front of my door. They were wooden and even taller than me - could I even get them inside?

But I decided to tackle one problem at a time and the first was getting the food put away. It was after that was completed that I returned to puzzle over the boxes. Together the two of them practically blocked my doorway.

I stood with my hands on my hips and I pondered the two of them. I wasn't keen to open them here in the hallway where everyone could see, but I didn't have anything to get them inside easily. Experimentally I shoved one - it might as well have been bolted in place.

"Ugh," I grunted. "This is a fine mess."

Then I noticed a notebook of some kind hanging from the side of one of the crates. I peeled it off and began reading.

 **Congratulations on the purchase of your America Unit! This is one of our most popular units due to his good looks and friendly (sometimes too friendly!) personality. This guide has been created in order to help you get the most out of your unit.**

 **There are several methods by which the America unit can be removed from packaging. Please note that it is not recommended to pry the lid off to remove the unit. Instead the following methods should be used:**

 **1\. Grill up a dozen hamburgers. The unit will be awakened by the smell and sound and can be reprogrammed.**

 **2\. Play any patriotic American song at top volume. The unit will awaken to sing along and can be reprogrammed.**

 **3\. Speak with a British or Russian accent. The unit will awaken to search for a Britain or Russia unit and can be reprogrammed.**

"Interesting." I could certainly do any of those three - though at the moment I had no ground beef and I was NOT going to the store twice in one day. But there was one of them that I could do flawlessly with next to no preparation.

I squared off with America's box. A special talent of mine, which I used sometimes for good and other times for evil, was perfect mimicry. And imitation of anime characters was my favorite kind of mimicry.

"America!" I shouted in a perfect imitation of Britain. "Get your fat arse up now!"

The reaction was immediate: the front of the box ripped off with a loud splintering sound and a grinning America emerged. "Hey, Britain, dude! What's up?!"

At first I was at a loss for words. Unit or not, he looked just like America from the anime! He was tall, taller than me (not that that meant much). His messy blonde hair, his glasses, his WW2 bomber jacket - everything was just like the anime.

For a second he seemed confused; his blue eyes roamed across my tiny living room before refocusing on me. "Hey dudette! Where's Britain at? I just heard him!"

"That was me," I said. "The manual suggested to wake you up that way."

"Hey, then you must be our owner!" America shouted. "I'm America! Nice to meet you!"

"Yes, I know," I replied. His unnecessary volume level was starting to make me wince. "Seriously man, you gotta tone it down like 80 percent. It's a small place, I can hear you just fine."

"What? This is just how I talk!"

"I know, man, but you're killing my ears." Then an idea occurred to me. "Hey, can I reprogram you to 'quiet mode' or something?"

"Oh yeah, you gotta program me! One sec…" America went back to his box and squatted down, sifting through the packing debris at the bottom. He came back after a minute carrying a small iPad. "Here, use this!"

I took the iPad from him. I touched the screen and it brought up a window.

 _Hello! Please enter the name you would like your unit to call you by!_

I typed my name using the keyboard on the touchscreen. "August."

After confirming my name, a new question popped up. _Great! And how old are you?_

I considered selecting "Don't want to say," but then I chose to type it in. "21."

 _Excellent, just one more to go! What mode would you like to set your unit in right now?_

I was disappointed to see that 'quiet' wasn't an option on the list of choices. But some other modes sounded promising and a couple sounded downright fun. However that was an adventure for another day.

I set him to one of his defaults, Bubbly/Optimistic. That was the most normal-sounding of the settings. After hitting "Enter", one last screen appeared.

 _That's all for the programming! From here on your unit will interact with you to learn more about you. But you can always use this pad to change your unit's mode manually. Have fun!_

Then I looked up at America again - he was being still and quiet for more than half a second. The blues of his eyes were flashing; I was reminded of the lights on a computer as it downloaded and processed some data. After fifteen seconds his eyes returned to normal and a wide grin broke out on his face.

"Hahaha, August is a funny name!" he cackled.

"Shut your goddamned mouth!" I snapped. Ugh, I knew I should've ordered Japan.

"Easy, dudette! It's a great name!" he said cheerfully. "But July would've been better!"

"What the f*ck kind of name is July for a girl?!" I demanded.

"Come on, July! Like July 4th! Independence Day, yo!"

"Okay, seriously bro. Tone it down! Inside voice!"

"This is my inside voice!" he shouted.

Suddenly I heard another violent splintering crash from behind me. I whipped around in time to see Britain prizing the front off his crate, his huge brows furrowed with irritation.

"What's all this bloody racket about?!" he barked.

"Ask the shouting dumbass!" I retorted. Great, now they were both active.

"Britain! What's up?"

"I just activated, you twat! How could anything be 'up'?!"

"Dude, it's just an expression!"

"A moronic expression. Typical of an American."

"Whatever, dude! You're just jealous that I was activated before you!"

"Why the bloody hell would I ever be jealous of you?! And I am not!"

"Haha, you so are!"

"Shut up, America!"

"As entertaining as this is," I bellowed before America could antagonize Britain further, "you both need to shut up before my neighbors complain!"

Britain rounded on me, still wearing his irate expression. "And who the hell are you?!"

Oh, hell no. Nobody takes that tone with me, not even bishonen robots!

"I'm the bitch who's gonna kick the living shit out of you if you don't show her some f*cking respect!" I spat.

I think they were both taken aback by the threat and the swearing: America's grin faded noticeably and Britain's eyes grew as huge as his eyebrows. Unsurprisingly there was a minute of awkward silence.

Confident that my point was made, I adopted a more agreeable tone and expression. "Now, try asking again."

His face still wary, Britain asked in a much nicer way. But America leaped to respond before I could.

"Britain, dude, she's our owner!" he laughed. "Haha, you almost got yourself returned to the Shop!"

"Oh dear," Britain said and now he was all manners. "I'm truly sorry, mum. I really shouldn't let a ruffian like America instigate me in such a way."

"Don't call me a ruffian! What's a ruffian?"

"And seeing as you're our owner, you should take this opportunity to program me." Britain deftly reached inside his military uniform and brought out the same sort of iPad that America had presented me with. "All you need to do is-"

"I got it," I interrupted. "I did this a minute ago when America dug his program pad out of his crate packaging."

"Dug it out…" Britain repeated slowly. Then he pounced on America. "I can't believe you would be so careless, America! If that pad were lost or damaged, it would've been you who was returned to the Unit Shop!"

"You worry too much, bro! I got things under control!"

"Saying it does NOT make it true!"

"Cram a sock in it, both of you!" I barked. I finished with Britain's pad as I spoke, and I watched as he took on the same "processing" look that America had had. Then after a minute he woke up.

"August, hm? A lovely name. I'm sure we'll get along splendidly."

"Of course we will, dude!"

Despite their confidence, I wasn't quite so sure.


	3. Chapter 3: Domination Fail

**[EDIT: A special thanks to the guest who commented to remind me about the restriction that the site has on MA rated material. Rest assured that I fully intend to comply with the rules regarding adult scenes.]**

Chapter 3: Domination Fail

"Well, now that that's out of the way, let's eat!" America shouted. "Burger time!"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Britain snapped. "You can't just barge in and take over another person's house!"

"First things first," I said. "I'm gonna show you guys around the place. There's not much to it but pay attention."

We were standing in the middle of the living room so I simply pointed out the locations of things like the couch and TV. Instantly America pounced on my tall bookshelf filled with movies - it was next to the TV for easy access.

"Dude! Check out all the movies!" he squealed excitedly. He was practically drooling. "Action! Horror! Kaiju!" Then he bent down to inspect the bottom shelf. "… Disney?"

"Hey!" I yelled. "Don't judge me!"

While America slobbered over my digital entertainment, I saw Britain eyeing my shelves of books. I had eclectic tastes - my shelves held everything from shojou manga to dramatized historical novels. He was obviously most interested in the latter. I watched as he reached out a hand and gently caressed the spine of my WW2 atlas.

"Just don't read it in the bathroom," I told him.

"That's disgusting! I would never!" he sniffed in an offended tone.

"Whatever you say."

"August, August!" America shouted. He ran over to me and shoved five movies under my nose. "Can we watch these tonight? Please? Pretty please?"

My eyes moved from his pleading face to the titles of the movies in his hands. The Ring. Devil. Godzilla. Ghost Ship. Poltergeist.

"Oh, hell no." I grabbed the movies from him and set them down on the coffee table. "You are not watching any horror movies while I'm here."

"Aw, c'mon! Just one!" he begged.

"No," I said. "I am not dealing with that today. So cram it!"

"Awww!"

"Don't whine, America!" Britain scolded.

"Come on!" I ordered. "Let's finish the tour so you can clean up your crates. They're crapping up my house!"

Britain huffed and America pouted, but I didn't give a damn. I grabbed them both by their lapels and dragged them to the short hallway. "Bathroom on the left, my bedroom on the right, kitchen at the end." Questions?"

"Dude, this place is tiny!"

"That's not a question!"

"America has a point, luv. Do you think there's enough room for all of us?"

"You guys are just robots. How much room could you possibly need?"

"Hey! We're units \- there's a big difference!"

"Not to me."

"Three people sharing one loo is going to be tricky, luv. Any suggestions?"

"Yeah, if I'm in there, stay out. And if I need to use it and you're in there, get out."

I think the two of them were starting to get a feeling for me and judging by their expressions they weren't very happy. But what the f*ck did I care what two robots thought? Answer: I didn't. The whole reason that robots existed was to serve people. And since units were robots, they existed to serve me.

"Enough chit-chat!" I bellowed. "Let's go unpack your shit and chuck your crates down the garbage chute. I don't need the landlady giving me grief."

"I'll do it if I can watch a movie."

I had been heading back towards my still-open front door when America's voice brought me to an abrupt halt. I turned slowly on my heel in his direction. He was standing there with his hands on his hips and an idiotic grin on his face. I began to stalk back to the pair - one look at my expression and Britain quickly stepped aside.

"I don't think I heard you right," I said, trying as hard as I could to stay calm. They were brand new and I didn't want to damage them. Yet. "Repeat that."

"Hahahaha! That's a great Russia impression!"

Could a unit be strangled to death? I had the feeling that I was going to be testing that out before the day was over.

"Britain," I said softly. "Go get your things out of your crate."

The unit hesitated and I almost lost it. "Go easy, luv," he replied at last and moved off.

I strutted directly up to America and looked him square in the eye. He looked right back, still wearing that same stupid smile.

Lightning fast I shot out a hand, intending to grab America's ear and forcibly drag him over to his crate and make him unpack. Seriously, that was all. I may have a bad temper but I'm not the sort of scum that beats others to get their way. That's not to say that I didn't sometimes slap and pinch - or pull ears - to get obedience. But after two or three times, people generally knew better and just did what I said.

But America reacted simultaneously: he grabbed my forearm and yanked it up over his shoulder while his other hand came up under my stomach to carry my weight. Briefly I was floating and my mind was in a stunned fog.

Then I landed heavily and America's rock hard shoulder drove the breath out of me with a whoosh and a grunt.

"Hahaha, nice try!" he chortled. "Now let's talk about watching a movie!"

"I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!" I raged. I flailed impotently, my hands and feet landing only glancing blows.

"You can't hurt me, dudette! I'm the hero!"

"America! Put her down this instant!"

"No way, dude! She tried to hit me!"

"I wasn't going to hit you! But now I am!"

"Ouch! Stop pinching!"

"Put me down!"

"No way, José!"

As I struggled to get free, I had my eyes on the cord of my tall living room lamp. That was what I would use to kill America. I'd wind it around his throat and pull until he stopped moving. It wasn't even really murder - he was a robot! But then I caught sight of something that reduced America and his obnoxiousness to a mere triviality: my office was calling my phone.

"America, put me down now," I said, trying to sound calm.

"Nope~!"

"I'm serious, you fat idiot! My boss is calling!"

"Haha, I'm not falling for that!"

"Argh! Britain quick, get my phone!"

I meant he should hand it to me, but apparently he took my words another way. To my horror, he picked up the phone and answered it.

"Good afternoon, Garcia residence," he said in a professional voice. He sounded like a receptionist at some big company. "Miss Garcia is occupied at the moment, may I ask who is calling?"

I held out my hand and snapped my fingers to signal him to fork over the device. To my outrage, he ignored my nonverbal signal - he lowered the phone and placed a hand over the receiver instead.

"It's a young woman named Judy who is quite agitated. Shall I inquire as to what she wants?"

"Give me the f*cking phone!" I hissed.

Britain huffed indignantly but he passed the phone to me finally. And this apparently convinced America that I hadn't been lying; he hefted me down off his shoulder, and after giving him a kick in the shin I put the phone to my ear.

"Judy, what's up?"

"August, thank God! I thought I'd gotten connected to London or something!"

I sighed. The woman on the other end of the phone wasn't any of my supervisors (thank God). But Judy could be a little ditzy and had the tendency to overreact to strange occurrences. Talking to Britain seemed to have shaken her up. "No, that was just someone inconsiderate. Don't mind him."

"Why I never -!" Britain gasped.

"Shhh!"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Judy. Now focus. What are you calling about?"

"Oh, yes! It's about the Sidewinder Sandies packet that Mark put together. Did you mail it out before you left today?"

"No, I didn't. Did he say it had to go out today?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Not before he left. He just called me to see if I could do it but I'd already left for the day. And I think everyone else has too."

Dammit Mark. "So you called me."

"Yes. I'm sorry but -"

"Don't be, I get it. I'm the only non-manager with the key and security code, so I can pop back in and drop it in the mail. That way Mark doesn't get chewed out."

Inwardly I was seething at Mark's idiocy. Like Judy he was a nice person but his ditzy nature wound up making more work for everyone else. But I understood why they were calling me instead of one of the bosses. The three managers at our ad firm had the tendency to use the stick more than the carrot and Mark could very well be looking at a demotion or even dismissal. So I could understand the desire to ask for my help rather than that of a manager.

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

Of course I minded but I owed Judy a favor anyway. "Don't worry about it."

"Thanks August! You're a lifesaver!" Then she hung up the phone before I could say anything.

"Ugh." I looked at America's and Britain's expectant faces. "Okay you two, I gotta run back to my office for a bit. Get your shit out of crates, pitch the crates down the garbage chute, and stay inside the apartment until I get back. Don't answer the door and don't get into trouble. Or else!"

"Yes ma'am!" America said and mock-saluted me. Britain merely nodded assent.

I was suspicious of America's easy agreement but I couldn't grill him right now. The sooner I put Mark's packet in the mail, the sooner I could come back and keep him in line.

"Ugh, why didn't I order Japan and Greece?" I mumbled to myself as I left.

It turned out that mailing the packet for Mark wasn't as straightforward as Judy made it sound. He'd filed it in a drawer so I had to go rooting through his desk just to find it! Mailing it was a simple but time consuming process, and as the very last step I had to drive to the post office to have them handle it today. All in all, it was a very aggravating hour.

When I arrived home again I was encouraged to see that America and Britain had listened to me - the crates were gone and the door was shut. Who would've thought a kick in the shin would be enough to control America?

But when I got inside and found all the lights were off and America was huddled under a mound of blankets on the couch with screaming coming from the TV, my temper flared.

"GOD DAMN IT, AMERICA!" I roared.

He yelped and jumped as I flipped on the lights and stormed over to switch off the TV. "Hey, what was that for?! It was at the best part!"

"Best part my ass!" I spat. "I told you, no horror movies!"

"No you didn't!"

"Excuse me, I know I did! I don't want you wetting your pants on my couch!"

"I don't wet my pants, I'm the hero! And you didn't say 'no scary movies,' you said 'no scary movies while I'm here.' And you weren't here!"

"You know perfectly well what I meant!"

"Hahahahahaha~!"

"Would you two children kindly keep it down?" I heard Britain call from another room. "I'm fixing supper!"

"Oh god, no!" I rushed from the living room, my nose now detecting the acrid scent of smoke billowing from the kitchen. It was a wonder my smoke alarms weren't -

BEE-BEE-BEE! Right on cue.

"Britain, get the f*ck away from my stove!" I shrieked. I charged into the kitchen and spotted him in front of the device, stirring a bubbling, hissing, smoking pot of goop. I grabbed him and immediately started hauling him out of the room. "You are never allowed to cook, do you hear me?! Never!"

"What do you mean? I make delicious food!"

"No, you don't!"

"How dare you?! I've never heard such nonsense!"

With a last burst of strength I threw the Brit at America, who'd gotten up to watch the commotion, and returned to the kitchen to start cleaning up the mess. And here I thought I only had America to worry about!

"Why didn't I order Japan and Greece?!" I wailed.

The next hurdle we had to overcome was the sleeping arrangements. I lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, normally plenty of room for just me, but now there were two robots to think about. And while I felt that robots didn't need much space, the two of them disagreed with me. Strongly.

"You can't just pack us off into a closet when it's convenient!" Britain snapped when I suggested it.

"Well, I'm tellin' you right now that nobody is sleeping in my bed but me!" I snapped and I stared him down with my impressive death-glare.

"Then where are we supposed to sleep?!"

"The f*cking closet!"

"We're not sleeping in a closet!"

Our volume kept increasing and by the end Britain and I were nose-to-nose with each other in our verbal battle. In the back of my mind I was impressed by his pugnacious attitude, despite how aggravating it was at the moment. I wanted to smack him to make him obey but I restrained myself.

"Dude, I call dibs on the couch!" America suddenly shouted.

That immediately silenced me and Britain and we looked over at him. He was sprawled on my admittedly small couch using every single pillow to prop up his head and feet. He actually looked pretty comfortable.

Britain leapt at him. "YOU ASSHAT! What gives you the right to claim the couch?!"

"Cuz I'm the hero!" America cheered. He fended off the shorter unit as Britain swiped at him.

"Holy shit!" I declared. America had just jolted my brain awake. "You just reminded me - my couch is a fold-out! You guys can sleep there!" I stared pointedly at Britain. "Since apparently my closet isn't good enough for you."

"A foldout will do nicely," he replied, ignoring my jab.

I directed the two of them to move the coffee table while I unlatched the couch bed and unfolded it. The bed wasn't anything special and I certainly wouldn't sleep on it, but robots couldn't complain. I chucked a few pillows on the bed and I went to get some extra blankets from my closet. Wait, did robots even need blankets? Whatever.

I got them settled down with minimal fuss. In hindsight I should've known better.


End file.
